A friend recently asked me, “I’m almost 35 and I feel I should be thinking about kids. When is the right time to have a baby?”
Anybody else feel/felt like this?
A few years ago at 32 I was feeling and thinking those exact same thoughts.
So, if the topic of whether or not to have children is looming for you, allow me to share my thought process which led to me making a life-changing decision. Today, I’m a mother of two beautiful boys.
Note: I’m not trying convince you to have children, that is your own personal choice. I’m just sharing the path which helped me make an authentic decision I could fully own because I too, was asking myself this question a lot, at that time.
How does one know when they’re ready to have children?
The answer of that is… You don’t.
Are you ready to fly to Mars and become an inter-planetary species? OK maybe that’s a bit much. Let’s hit closer to home: Are you ready to pack your bags and move across the world to a completely different culture for a great reason like an amazing job experience?
The point is, sometimes there are decisions you will have to make that seem daunting because you don’t know how it will turn out, but what if you could see beauty in the “not knowing” part?
So instead of wondering and worrying if I was ready to have children or if I was going to be a good mother, I did a few things that helped me with my decision and I saw the whole thing as a journey. One I would consider beautiful no matter which path I took.
This is what you can do too.
1. Ask the right question
Why do you want to have kids? If you’re thinking: “Everyone I know is having kids and so maybe I should too” or “I’m getting older and I need to do it soon or I’ll miss the boat” then don’t make any decision yet.
Having kids is a life-changing decision – BIG TIME, so make sure you don’t tie it to any personal issue or situation that you may be experiencing at that time.
Think bigger picture than that.
In my case, I asked myself: “What is my big WHY?”. I then imagined myself in 50 years, and I saw myself surrounded by a big family. I knew in my soul it was something I wanted to grow old to.
Suddenly, my doubts in that moment.. not feeling “prepared” to be a mother… just didn’t matter anymore.
There is no preparation to be a mother. I felt that if I didn’t do it now, my dream would be further away from me.
2. Shut off external voices
If anyone’s life is going to change when you have a baby, it’s yours. So don’t get lost in other people’s advice, stories and situations. Take the great bits, then tune the rest out and listen to your intuition. If you pay attention you will hear your own message to yourself.
You and only you, know you best. So make this decision (yes or no) and just own it.
In my case, I had to tune my family out.
First it was, “when are you going to get married”, then it was “why are you and your husband moving abroad so far away”, then came “when are you going to have children?”
I chose not to get frustrated by these questions.
But rather, I saw them as “well wishes” from my family. After all, the people who love you want the best for you, don’t they? This was their way of wanting only “good things” for me.
So if those questions came, instead of getting annoyed, I would take a deep breath, smile, and say “thank you” for their well wishes – and then, I let the thought go.
3. Follow your heart
I know it sounds cheesy but it is true. What is your true self telling you about this issue right now? How does it feel in your gut when you say “I want to have kids” or maybe “I don’t want to have kids” out loud?
Most of the time we know what path to take – the problem is that we allow outside interference to show itself so loudly that we stay lost.
If you really can’t tap into your gut, let’s try your subconscious.
Here’s an interesting tool.
I’ve done this a few times but I know Veena has resorted to this when it was much needed!
It’s called Muscle Testing.
They say our bodies are much more aware of the energy of the universe than our conscious minds are, and so, has a language of it’s own. If you can tune into this, or use a muscle testing method, then you can help make some crucial decisions you could be stuck on by tapping into what your subconscious wants.
Here’s one way.
Bring the thumb and the middle fingers together on the left hand to form a loop.
With the right hand, bring the thumb and the middle fingers together so that they interlock between the left hand’s finger loop.
Ask: “Show me a yes response.” Then pull the fingers on the right hand against the point at which the two fingers on the left hand meet. Both sets of rings should stay together.
Ask: “Show me a no response.” Then apply pressure against the fingers on the left hand with the right hand’s fingers. With a no response, the right hand fingers should slip through the left hand finger’s loop.
It is necessary to apply the same amount of pressure when asking all your questions.
So try it. Start with a truth – say “My name is ___”. See what happens. Then try it with something that is not the truth, “My name is ______”. See what happens then. If your fingers stay tight on the truth and come apart at the lie, then try your deep questions. “Will I have kids?” or “Should I have kids?”.
That could help show you what you don’t know or realise you’re feeling.
Yes, it is a big decision but don’t over complicate it. If you feel desperate because you really, really don’t know what to do and this is nagging at you (or someone else is), then just take some time out.
This works for me everytime. When I’m nervous about something, I get cold feet. I can get caught up in the stress of the situation I’m facing and feel paralysed because I don’t know what to do next.
When I catch myself feeling like that these days, I take a time out to relax. I put some distance between me and my situation and do something else like take a bath, or sleep on it.
This distance helps me step back to see the bigger picture, and at some point, I know what I need to do and I move forward with a sure step. No doubts, no regrets. Just do it.
And finally, through this process, know that you’re not alone. It is possible to have support at a time like this to help you make your decision.
1. Try Googling it. If you Google your problem you are going to find tons of people going through the same thing and their documentation on the topic (forums, blogs, etc.). Trust me. I do this all the time. It helps.
2. Find a friend, or a friend of a friend (or books and articles if you don’t want to talk) that were/are in the same situation – this could also help. Don’t be shy to share your story, a lot can happen if you open your heart and your mind.
3. Finally, nobody can tell you what the “right thing” to do is when it comes to wondering whether to have children or not. What’s important is that once you make the decision, do not have any regret. If you let go of any “coulda, woulda, shoulda’s”, then the decision you make becomes the right decision for you.
“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.” Victoria Holt
Have you been at this cross-road in your life before? How did you make your decision and how do you feel about it today? Share with us below!